I Wanted To Go First

[From May 1, 2011]

I lost a childhood friend yesterday, literally BFF before they invented BFF we woulda been BFF even if no had such thing we all still woulda been. I know it eventually happens. Such is life. But like I told my kids once upon a time. I want to be first, in dis ohana us go makidiedead in orda. Dat way I no need go you guys funeral. My kids said “mom you can’t say dat.” YES I can, I da MOM I can say whatewa da hell I want. And I said it so no tell me I neva tell you guys. ~ Pidgin logic yeah.

There was no warning. Is there ever? Sometimes. Not all the time. Things happen ya’know. I think she knew, but she wasn’t gonna say. I know I wouldn’t. Wouldn’t want people fussing and humbugging. But dats me, I would not want the fuss factor. LOL I mean I know some people dey like to be doted on, waited on hand and foot, get me dis do dat. I must be kapahahi insai out ~ I like silence ~ well quiet at least. Music maybe. Depends on the feeling.

Perhaps its in the things you go thru with a friend or the amount of stuff you know about one another, the sharing or not sharing; because even if they don’t tell you eventually you guess and tell them and they spill their guts. *L*

I’ve been blessed with more then most BFFs childhood friends. Friends since hannabuttah days. Friends who for whatever reason even though its not been decades there is an unexplainable bond. It just is.

I think dialysis took a toll on her. It takes a toll on most, its not an easy task. I think going thru that process the body deteriorates. It helps yes, but at a taxing price. The body breaks down slowly. It can make you stronger but it will make you weaker first, then your body fights to get better. It is in those fights the body looses its little battles that adds up to major issues. Kinda like big step forward, two small steps back. You get a head, but not by much.

I’ve had friends die. Most people have lost someone. Yes. But not in the best friend catagory. You know what I mean. There are acquaintences, there are work friends, general friend, friends in general, close friends, best friends, close & not so close childhood friends, BFFs, really close childhood friend. Anyway there are different degrees of friends ain’t it. Kinda sorta.

I think like anything else friendships loose a sense of closeness. Sometimes intentional but for the most part ist just the way it is. Its a cycle of old, new, acquaintences, close not close, pathalogical, sane what have you. With that said there are the friends who you don’t have contact with years on end then next thing you know your catching up and nothings changed, just new habits.

The human variable is hard to judge. What you think you know, could change in a heart beat. Ya’neva know.

I am deeply saddened by the lost of my friend. Surprisingly so on my part because I’ve not been this sad in a very long time. At this point I think its an educational sadness, teaching me how to deal with this phase of life. There was the light bulb turned on ova head today, when I posted a picture and realized the 3 people in it had all passed. Its an age thing ain’t it. Yeah that phase aka age bracket, ya’think.

For some reason I had this idea I was gonna see a hundred. Swear to God, I thought that at one point. Then I got sick and DIS-eased and was like take off 20 maybe 40 years. As freaky as life can be 100 is not so far fetched. Although the eating junk food/fast food does not help the cause. Neither does excess fat blah blah blah. lol Its probable not impossible. Possible but not probable. LOL

Ok I know I’m stressing cause I’m doing my “therapy” kine writing now. Writing good for what ails the soul. Free therapy.

RIP Sandra – tell your Mom & Dad I said hi. I can hear your Dad laughing and see your Mom making stink eye now dat you’ve showed up, 3rd degree time. LOL