WOW A Year!?

I haven’t written in here for more than a year? Seriously. Dang – how bad am I? I think ahout it, I tell myself to go do it and then I don’t! Whatsupwithdat? Let me see if I can get back into the groove. A writing groove…

So what is up? Not much; same ole, same ole. Still working although I’m way past retirement age. Or so I’m told. But I can still work BUT I have a real shitty attitude about it. Respectfully so. LOL I’ve been working since I was 16 yrs ol or was it 15? Since I was a kid. My brains are kid like or my mind is but the body; not so much. Yes, I should retire. My older sister has not retired either. Her coworkers keep asking her when will she retire? She is 75 or is it 76, up there some where. She told them she’s not, she’s gonna drop dead in that office. Funny but not; and I don’t doubt it. So 2023 for me, but I’m not holding my breath. On some days I’m so tempted to just say “see ya”. I think I love my paycheck too much. No online shopping once I retire. No discretionary funds. But I’ll buy a lottery ticket? Well maybe, I haven’t in a while. What are the odds of me winning; the most I’ve won playing the lottery is $4.oo! Winner winner no chicken dinner for $4.00; just buy more lottery tickets.

I never thought I’d live this long. Who knew? When I was a kid; I thought you reach 30 years old and then you makidiedead. Obviously not. LOL I’m amazed I’m here. I thought, you get cancer and you die. Well not yet. Not right away. Depends right. And prayers work so its not always what you think. There are blessings and there are blessings. I’ve been blessed. Thank you thank you thank you.

Today I read: “If you do not go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you do not ask, the answer will alway be no. If you do not step forward, you will always be in the same place.” And I thought yeah thats me, I’m in the same place…. but wait I think I’m thinking mentally in the same place not physically. Or whatever. I never ask; ok I rarely ask. It’s that time of the year and the kids are asking; Mom what do you want for Christmas? We have the same conversation every year. I rarely ask for stuff, I’m like surprise me. Now its, look in the Amazon cart! (we have a family account LOL) No surprisese, you get what you get.

One of the reasons I don’t ask is because I don’t want to be disappointed. I don’t want to expect it and not get it. Been there done that all my life and probably continue. Thats just the way it is with me. I personally think its a childhood trauma thing. LOL You know when you are little and all the stories about if you are a “good girl” you’ll get what you want for Christmas. As a kid I figured out early on that was bullshit. Christmas was/is a money thing; the haves and have nots. Well I’m from the “have nots” aka poor so of course I was not gonna get what I want. But I didn’t know that; I just thought I must not have been a good girl cause all I got was pajamas or clothes, none of the fun stuff from the Sears catalog. As an adult I get it, its economics. But as a child I bought into the fairytales. Kinda like the Prince charming thing, if its too good to be true it probably is. LOL The Prince Charming thing was/is very superficial; you know good looks and all that. Not weather the dude was decent and respectable and funner. LOL

So I’m hoping I return here, write more sooner that later like a year from now.

Be Blessed (\0/)

Malama Pono

Mental Block & Mundane Musings of Madness

A mental block or just mental maybe? Haven’t beem writing because I haven’t been writing. LOL No excuses. Lazy. Too distracted by life and the mundane musings of madness. I like aliteration. Oh this could be a title of a book huh?

I am fully vacinated. Did I tell y’all that. I guess in one sense I am reassured and in another I’m not so sure. Probably because I think there are more unvaccinated than vaccinated. Reading about the high increase in India and other countires; increase in cases with kids and younger people does not make feel “that safe” just semi-safe.

I pretty much do staty home but I’m not a hermit. I do WalMart runs & supermarket runs. I am very aware of my surroundings and do keep my distance. Some freaking people though, have no sense of space. I imagine these are the very people who don’t respect other peoples spaces regardless of situations.

I still have questions I haven’t seen or heard answers for:

1) How long is this vaccine good for?

2) Do I need to get a booster, another shot in a year? six months? once every 2 years, what?

3) Does this vaccine proctect me from the variant strains?

4) How many mutant strains are there anyway? Oh they keep mutating, so does that mean “infinite” number of strains?

5) Will there be other vaccines to combat different strains? Will we need other vaccinations

My answer to #3 => Probably not because the vaccine was created before the “mutant strain” showed up so it probably idoes not give a Fk-about the vaccine. It doesn’t have its name on it so it won’t react to it. I ain’t no scientist or doctor of nothing but thats my take on it.

I haven’t mutated, yet! When I got vaccinated one of my morbid thoughts was if something could go wrong, it would be with me and I’d be written up in the American Medical Journal or something. I suppose it could still happen, I’m not holding my breath.

Anyways, it’s called common sense people. Do what you gotta do to keep safe.

If you don’t want to wear a mask, don’t wear a mask BUT stay the hell away from people in genearal, the general population. You want to infect your family or your family members to infect you; thats on you and your family. Leave everybody else out of it.

I like to think WE are much safer now. At the same time I know it just takes ONE. One germ, one careless action, one stupid move or one person not giving a shitabout others.

Be thoughtful. Be kind. Be aware. Be safe.

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

Mask Up

To me, wearing a mask is not such a big deal. I see it as better safe then sorry. Why people get all outta whack Karened out civilass rights and what not is beyond me. You don’t want to wear a mask, FINE, stay home and stay away from people. Don’t be going into stores or businesses and say its your right blah blah blah…. its a private or personal business they have a right to refuse doing business with you. Kind of like no shoes, no shirt no service; ok now add mask! Yeah, that is their right. You don’t like it go do business somewhere else. Quit being a pain in a ass in public. Do it at your house.

The Governor of the state I live in rescinded the mask mandate. That does not support the science of slowing down or getting rid of Covid19, in fact its the opposite. I think we all have a certain amount of common sense or I’m giving everyone the benfit of the doubt. We have access to information and research; we read, we study and can make up our own mind. Just like the KARENs who don’t think they need to wear a mask, I think I need to.

I tick all the boxes for “at risk”. Age, pre-exisiting conditions, too short, too this or too that; thats me. So yes I should wear a mask even though the Governor says I don’t have to. The world I live in and the world the Governer lives in; is two different worlds. I use common sense because I know a freaking virus could wipe me out and I’d rather be safe than sorry. Can the Governor say out right that not wearing a mask is safe? Can I sue him if I don’t wear a mask and I get the virus.

I’ve been vaccinated BUT I don’t take it for granted that I’m safe. There is nothing that says being vaccinated gurantees I am not getting the virus because I got vaccinated. Can’t sue the Pfizer or Moderna or anybody who has manufactured the vaacine cause they don’t even know. Can’t sue the Governor who says its okay to go maskless.

I think as long as we have we have KARENs, people who refuse to wear a mask in public and insist on, who don’t think the Covid19 is for real and Governors who rescind mask mandates; we will have this Pandemic for another year or two. Hell it may even be longer since the virus is mutating into all types of strains and what not. Does the vaccination I received protect me from the strain of virus that was not in existance when this vaccine was created? Hence, I wear a mask.

I think people who think that COVID19 is a hoax or not real is the definition of DISRESCTFUL & ignorant!; How can you say/think that with all the deaths that have happened. Can you say that to people who have lost love ones? Dead people are not a hoax.

Why is it that other countries have gotten a handle on the virus and why is the U.S. still struggling to contain it? Because some people, a lot of people refuse to: Listen, have Common Sense, pay attention to the science, quarantine.

If being disrespectful and ignorant is is how you are than you do you but stay the Fk away from me. Stay away from people in general. Enjoy your KAREN self in the privacy of your home and stop spreading your ugliness around.

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

Dentisting

Who grows up thinking they want to excavate peoples mouths for a living?

I go to the dentist regularly not because I want to but I have to. I grew up without preventive dental care. You went to the dentist because you couldn’t stand the tooth ache pain any longer. We never went for regular checkups or anything.

Dentist are like necessary evil. Or sado/maschist? I think its pretty crazy that a person digs in another persons mouth all day. Probably cause thats something I would not do. I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Imaging looking into someones mouth all day.

I think one of the weirdest feelings is having my teeth flossed by someone else. It kind of weirds me out. But thats what happens.

My dentist sings. They have a good playlist going on. But there’s been a song or two that I really like and now having heard him sing along, I don’t like the song any more. LOL I have a good dentist with good team of hygentist or techs or whatever; they do change alot though. Everytime I get use to someone, next time you never see them again.

I always have a bad headache after the dentist is done. That high pitch soncic laser dilly kills my ears and get s on my last nerve. Or all of my nerves and when I’m done at the dentist my head just throbs. I think a masochist invented that sonic laser thing. Not to mention the sound of the drill. Yikes.

Speaking of yikes – I have to go back next week for a filling. I am going to have to listen to that dang drill.

Is there anyone who ENJOYS going to the dentist? I don’t know of anyone.

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

Over Slept

After several days of halfass sleep, sleeping with an awake brain; finally I had a really good nights sleep. So freaking good I over slept! Wow I must have been dead to the world and not heard nothing; including the 6 alarms I have going off every 15 minutes! Swear to gawd I did not hear any of it and if I did I turned off and passed out again.

Woke up almost 2 hrs later than usual. Missed an appointment by an hour. So unlike me, being late for an appointment. Fifteen minutes early and I’m late. WTH lol

I am grateful for the good sleep. Good sleep is healing sleep. I felt refreshed and peaceful and freaking running late. Rush rush rush. Luckily it was okay for me to be late, I just had to wait till the others were done than they took me in.

To get my good sleep I listen to a subliminal app. I think its called Self Healing or Healing Sessions, its the one with the Buhdah face. Anyway I put my earbuds on and I pass out after 5 or 10 minutes. It basically teaches you to breathe and I don’t know what the rest says because I’m asleep. I do know it helps me whenever I need to get an MRI or CatScan or biopsy or radiation treatment or whatever. The breathing thing helps me calm myself down and relax thru what treatment or test I’m getting. I’m always looking for a good FREE app that will help me get to sleep. I think I’ve become part insomniac. I always intend to go to bed about 10pm but its more or like 1am, sometimes worst.

I’ve listened to a couple of Lose Weight apps. I am proof it doesn’t work but I slept good. I’m all about good sleep. 🙂

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

Depressed Maybe

I’m writing again, so soon; maybe I’m depressed? nah nah nah 🙂

Been there done that. Well I didn’t know that till I wasn’t. I’m slow like that. It was a very dark time for me. Someplace I told myself I’d never go there again. I confused myself because at the time I truely did not know I was. It lasted maybe six months or so. I don’t know maybe my brain snapped and I came back to sort of normal. In retrospect I saw I had issues. Totally mental on my part. I functioned, did what I had to to do. Nobody knew but me. I don’t think anyone noticed. High functioning depressive. LOL

I can laugh now but it wasn’t funny then. I was so sad. Deep dark sad. I think it was a pity party gone wrong. Felt sorry for my self for way too long I just ended up staying there. Don’t know how & why it happened or maybe I don’t want to remember. But what came on also just left one day. It’s weird, I don’t know how it happened. One day I’m sad as hell for a couple of months and one day I just snapped out of it. Ok maybe not just snapped out of it maybe I’m weaned myself out of it or something like that.

Anyway haven’t been there since. Don’t have any plans to revisit it either. Yet ya’never know sometimes your mind plays tricks on you. Lord knows I have had reason(s) to be depressed but not gonna go there. Maybe be its a maturity thing and I’v aged into that “don’t give a shit” phase. At the time I think I was too young and too stupid to know WTH. Now I like to think I’m way less stupid and I know I’ve passed too young.

I equate being depressed with being in a big deep dark whole in the ground and there’s no way out. You can walk in a circle. Your mind goes around around and around on nothing and something or anything. Its just stagnant and quiet. My mind, body and soul disconnected and unplugged into darkness. And yet I functioned because that’s what you do to survive, right. Or I suppose that was my coping skill, doing the everyday things; doing what you gotta do and just keep going. Eventually, normalcy kicks in. Or at least it did with me.

Every now and than that dark feeling comes over me and I do things to get away from the funk. In this day and age; THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT. I’m big on retail therapy myself. Online shopping works for me. LOL

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

Books I Could Write, But I’m Not

This list or most of it came to me in the time before awakening but not asleep. Some cultures have name for that time, some don’t.

MOTHERHOOD: HOW TO FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

SEMI HOARDER

HOW TO RAISE A PHD

SO MUCH TO SEW, SO LITTLE TIME

NOBODY KNOWS AND RESSPECTFULLY SO

I ALWAYS LIE TO MYSELF

YOU KNOW NOT TO BE DEPRESSED BUT YOU ARE

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT A GOOD ACTOR YOU ARE

YOU SHOULD HAVE WROTE THIS A LONG TIME AGO

DO BETTER, BE BETTER

IF ONLY YOU KNEW, YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO KNOW

QUIT BEING A MARTYR

KEEP THE LAUGHTER, LOSE THE PITY PARTY

WHEN SADNESS NO LONGER COUNTS

I TOLD YOU SO DOESN’T CUT IT ANYMORE

BE CAREFUL WITH HAPPY, WATCH OUT FOR SAD

YOUR DREAMS ARE YOUR DREAMS

OKAY MEANS YOU ARE HIDING SOMETHING

YOUR INTENTIONS ARE ONLY HONORED BY YOU, HONOR YOURSELF

YOUR PAST: SELECTIVE MEMORIES

I GIVE A SHIT BUT NEVER MIND

WHEN YOU HIDE BEHIND NEVER MIND

HOW TO STOP WATCHING INFOMERCIALS

NOTGONNAHAPPEN

HAPPINESS IS AN INSIDE JOB: WORK ON IT

COMPLETE YOURSELF

FILL YOUR OWN VOID

WORK ON YOURSELF

IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW AND IF YOU DON’T GET A CLUE

SHORT TERM CELIBCY EXISTS

STAYING HOME WEEKS ON END IS DOABLE

WATCHING KDRAMAS TEACHES YOU TO LEARN KOREAN

A CLUTTERED MIND IS HOARDING

GUESS YES OR GUESS NO

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono

#

BoobJob

Told people I was getting a Boob Job. A one sided boob job. LOL Ok, technically it was a lumpectomy. There was a lump and they dug it out. But first a biopsy was done. It sounded like they took a staple gun to my boob. Felt like I got punched in the boob and then some. Black & blue boobs looked like I was abused. 🙂

The week before the procedure I got a call from the hospital telling me I had to go get a Covid19 test because the hopital won’t work on anyone without being tested first. So I got the cotton swab shoved into my nose. Its 3 seconds or so of uncomfortable but its way less painful than the dentist so I was fine with it.

Boobjob done, time for radiation oncology. Fine. If I could do the MASK, I can do the Boob. But before treatment. A photo shoot for the record. So the Dr took pictures of my boobs. My left boob is gangsta, scarred up thug. a four inch slice and a 2 inch scar under the arm. So my Dr says: One side is bigger than the other. I tell her: Thats because you sliced it open and it deflated. We cracked up. I always take it as a good sign if I can mae the Dr or nurse laugh.

They also needed to insert a tracer seed thingee to mark the lump. Again less painful than going to the dentist. Surgery went well. I was imagining myself handicap in the hospital for a couple of days. Out patient. Its in and out and see ya! Again, bruised up boobs.

I didn’t feel sick sick. I felt more sick when I took the medicine I was prescribe. Tramadol. Took it once and that was it. Never no more. I took it before I went to bed and OMG; one of those worst night ever. It felt like my body went to sleep but not my mind. My mind stayed up hashing over what ever the hell my mind thought needed hashing, which was everything. The next day was rough becasue it felt like I didn’t sleep at all. I think the coolest part about this; is pissing smurfy

So its Radiation Oncology. time. Its more simple than it sounds. LOL You go in, lie on your back, the machine whirls around you; wham bam thank you ma’am – 15 minutes; done! It is for 5 days a week Mon – Fri, 15 minutes for 3 weeks. Beats doing chemo. I didn’t want to do chemo. Another story.

Anyway all is well. No Covid19. Check Lump removed. Check. Still got a job and Teleworking,. check.

Be Blessed (\O/}

Malama Pono.

Long Weekend Plus

The weekends seem longer now that I don’t go no where. Going to get groceries seems to be the great adventure and if I am cruising to WalMart may as well go thru some drive thru.

After two weeks I finally found toilet paper by accident. Wasn’t even looking or thinking about it. But on my last physical day at the office, we got excused early. I stopped by a WalMart that was off the freeway, one that I don’t usually go to. I walked around aimlessly wondering if I should but this that or the other. Will this item help me in lockdown? No, ok never mind,

As I walked around I noticed 3 cops, several security types and a lot of “associates.” I just thought it was a shoplifting incident or something. Walked around walk around, then I was at the shoes area. There was a line going down one aisle and people coming out of the other aisle. They had TOILET Paper! So the sheep that I am, stood in the long line. Just about a dozen people in front of me. When my turn came they asked me if I needed paper towels. Yes, please. The next flatbed care had toilet paper, only about five – large packs left. Do you need toilet paper? Yes please! Scored! I am safely locked down with toilet paper now.

Its kind of weird amazing that we’ve come to police security for toilet paper. That’s our priority nowadays?

My workplace initially said we’d be work at home for 2 weeks. But obviously that won’t be the case. We’ll be working at home for the month. I am rarely on conference calls and last week I was on four of them. I don’t know why, I just say hello and goodbye. LOL I find conference calls distracting because people keep talking over each other. Not intentionally it just happens, you know. If I don’t have something important, pertinent to say I don’t say anything because it just makes the call last longer. 🙂

Who knew the weekends would be more meaningful when you don’t go nowhere. I haven’t had to fill up gas twice a week because I don’t have an hour to and from work to commute to. My laundry isn’t piled high and deeper, I’m caught up now. Now if only I would clean & organize a closet or two. LOL

I have been very diligently working from home doing my 7:30am – 4:30pm. We are on an honor system and I am honorable like that. BUT, always a BUT; I keep looking for something to munch on or eat or get drink or something. I think that’s not so honorable. So don’t tell. Oh wait, I do that at work too; except I have a dedicated “food drawer” in my desk. So its right there! LOL

I am saddened by the number of deaths and feel like its creeping closer to me. Being an immune deficient person the littlest thing could be the a whole lot more. While Covid19 is a major threat, I have underlying issues that I am dealing with. So I’m more focused on my other issues right now and pray I don’t get germs. I had a procedure on Friday and I have one tomorrow. Two different areas two different Drs office. We all look at each other wondering: are you a carrier, are you sick? Just one cough or hachoo can cause a lot of tension.

I feel real bad for the doctors and nurses and techs and support staff that are on the the front lines. That’s a lot of stress, especially those who have families at home. I imagine there will be cases of PTSD also. Pray everyone is kept safe and healthy.

I feel grateful, safe and comfortable at home. I have food, books & devices and Netflix and toilet paper. The other day though I was feeling crazy and I thought: WHAT IF the electricity goes out; no WiFi! ahhh God forbid. That is truly stir crazy thoughts!

Keep safe and enjoy your quarantine. It could be worse…. no WiFi…. WTH!

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama pono

Covid19 Explained – MDsplained

This is one of the best explanations I’ve heard. Bet even whatshisface hasn’t seen it and he should be the main one to take heed of this. More politicians should watch this.

Thank you Dr Vuong and all those on the front lines helping with all the healing.

Thank you to those who are staying at home. Don’t know how you do it with little kids. Happy mines are grown and they are dealing with my grandkids. I’m sure they are better than how I could ever be. Me, home school? I cant hardly school/work at home myself, how would I do with kids. TV! LOL

I’m staying at home but I will go to the store in a heart beat. I need some spices and garlic.

Happy Quarantining.

Be Blessed (\O/)

Malama Pono